Stressed Out

In time the effects began to take a toll on my physical health. Keeping all my emotions in was literally killing me. And it took me years to realize it was all from pent up emotions and trauma.

Around the age of 26, I was being tested for arthritis of various forms. My hands wouldn’t work. I had no strength, they would spasm and ache. No matter what I did or what I ate I was in constant pain. From there things began to move to my back and hips. My back muscles would be so tight from spasms I couldn’t stand up straight. I couldn’t walk. And dailey headaches. At this time it was doctor direction that I started looking after myself. Regular massages, exercise, lose weight. These things helped a bit but it never went away. I just learned to live with the pain.

As time went on things only got worse. I had severe brain fog, sometimes I would even be confused as to where I was. It scared me as I often was driving the kids and would lose direction or even any idea of where I was headed. My legs would give out as I was walking. I seemed to have widespread muscle weakness. I went to my doctor and we began testing of neurological disorders. And was tested for MS among other things. All tests came back fine, and I was told it’s all stress related. Reduce stress.

From there I began to have stomach and digestion issues. Even thought I had gall bladders attack, that was tested- normal. And then they thought it was something else, I can’t remember anymore but I got a scope to see if that’s what it was, and normally you get some sort of pain meds. But if you took them you needed a driver. I asked if he could be available for me to drive me home and for the kids later that day. His answer was no he was busy. So I went without it. I highly recommend meds for this. Not that it was super painful but it didn’t feel great to say the least. Again my results came back fine. Doctor diagnosis. Reduce stress.

As time went on I just kept developing more and more symptoms and I was convinced that there was something wrong with me. My face would go numb, my hands. My arms. My legs. It physically hurt to be touched or hugged. The weather killed me, the cold made it worse and sudden fluctuations made it almost unbearable. It hurt to lay in bed at night and I wasn’t able to sleep. Back to the doctor… diagnosis this time was fibromyalgia. I was given meds. It seemed to help, at least I could sleep again pain free. So life improved a bit. Once I got on the pills I started working out, eating better. Although it helped a bit, I struggled with life and struggled to manage the pain.

It wasn’t until I moved away from him that my symptoms began to slowly back off. I rarely have numbness or stomach issues. My skin doesn’t hurt like it did. And the biggest win was my brain fog lifted.

It is not gone completely, if I don’t take time for myself I can feel the stress come back pretty fast. The weather still bothers me. Not like it did, but I hate this damp cold we have had these past few weeks. The difference now is I have a safe space where I can clear my head and do what I need to do. Meditate, yoga or just breathe. I never felt like I was in a safe enough place before to accept my emotions or allow them to show.

Recently, I felt that my safety again was in jeopardy again and I could really feel it. Quickly my arms became tingling, I could feel my shoulders and neck muscles become tight with tension. I had to get the police involved, which breaks my heart to think that I’m in this type of situation. Not that anything should shock me anymore, but for some reason I can’t believe some of this shit is still going on. This last threat has had some lingering effects, and my arms have been more tingly and numb. And I feel pretty drained.

Not only did my physical health suffer, but I also shut down. I pulled away from friends and family. I kept my thoughts to myself. I didn’t leave my house. And I kept a lot of my pain to myself. I learned to live with it. I did things to help me remember where I was and where I needed to be. And I beat myself up if I slipped up.

It broke my heart. Many times when I was having a “flare up”, he seemed to enjoy it. He enjoyed when I was in so much pain that I had to rely on him. I called him on it once, and he admitted he did like it when I was sick. That was so hard to hear come out of his mouth. I never understood how you could watch someone you love be in so much physical pain it hurts to be touched, and enjoy it. What kind of sick fuck are you? And I said nothing, to no one. I didn’t stand up for myself. I knew that I was too weak to fight back, so why bother.

I really think this was when I was realizing how toxic this relationship was. And I really began to wonder if this is what I wanted for the rest of my life.

❤️