I think I did know early on that something wasn’t right, but I didn’t let myself believe it. I started feeling like there was a bit empty hole in my life. I loved having a family but being a stay at home mom was never my dream as a little girl. And on top of that I felt pretty shitty about who I was and looked to better myself. No matter what I did, it never seemed to be good enough for him.
Over the years I had longed to finish my education, but was always met with a fight. And in the end I would give up and often justify why I didn’t finish. When I had my first child I wanted to become a nurse. I had it all lined up, the day came to take my CPR which I needed to start- he shut it down. That one hurt a lot, I cried for days and it took me years to try again. I actually think the day I was supposed to take it he went on a quad rally and I stayed at home with my son, and bawled. He came home intoxicated and couldn’t understand why I was so upset.
Later on, I would randomly apply for jobs that I thought would interest me and had the potential for a career. Every time I got called for an interview, he would tell me no. We would fight and I would back right off and cave to whatever he told me. We lived too far out of the city for it to make sense for you to drive and pay for childcare. And that bothered me, but at this point in my life I felt like he had a valid reason. Wouldn’t make sense if it cost me money to work. So I looked to further my education and do something I can work around my kids schedules. So I tried massage therapy, got accepted. Got a quote for someone to come build an addition on the house for a massage room which he I initially approved. Weeks before I started, he halted it all. By this time the stubborn side in me was like F*CK YOU!!!! I wanted more. I was tired of being told I was a drain on him, that I would be nothing without him. I did want to contribute, I felt that if I did he would eat his words and I would be considered an equal partner. So I enrolled in university to finish my degree, to this day I am still actively trying to finish it. And it took about 5 years of him trying to sabotage every class I took for him to finally accept it and leave me alone when I was studying.
About 8 years ago we moved, to a city and I was able to work and he couldn’t use the excuse that he used for so many years. I got a job, and I was so excited and overwhelmed. He tried to sabotage it on many occasions. He refused to help around the house or with meals. My job always came second to his. I was completely exhausted learning how to manage this new life, but be damned if I was giving up. I justified my job being less important because I made less money and I somehow told myself it was ok. Eventually a halftime position became available and I took that. I had a better balance in life, and was still able to work at my classes. I had more time to be around my kids and manage all the household chores. And I am so thankful I fought for that job, I needed the experience. Not long after I was hired by my current company.
I have always had to prove myself. I do think at times it became almost an obsession. I was so tired of being told how I would never amount to anything. Honestly, looking back I feel like he was threatened by me. And I made myself smaller to make him more comfortable, and it made him feel safe. He always told me that I went to school and got a job solely because I was planning to leave him. Talk about a painfully slow process if that is the case. Maybe, subconsciously he knew that I wanted and needed more than he could give me. I don’t need a lot, but I for sure need someone to be my biggest fan and always be in my corner. And most of all, someone who gave a shit about me, my emotions and my dreams. He wasn’t that.
It’s sad when I think about how hard I had to fight to have an education and a job. I just hope I raise my children to know how important it is to not make yourself small to please someone else.
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Picking Up The Pieces Of My Broken Life 