My Fibromyalgia

As I have wrote in my previous posts I have had numerous health issues over the years. I was tested for various nerve issues, MS, lupus, and numerous stomach ailments. Each time the tests would show up negative, prove there was “nothing” wrong and doctors would tell me it was likely stress causing all of this. And I couldn’t comprehend that, I couldn’t accept that. I had a life that many outsiders would be jealous of. Nice home, good job and a healthy family. They would ask my about my home life, my stress and I would deny and cover it all up. No… that just couldn’t be it.

My symptoms were awful, I was miserable and I hated life. Some days it was all I could do to handle the pain. Not much seemed to help or give me relief. My hands would ache and I would be unable to grab things. I often would drop things, it was like I had no strength left. My feet would spasm, so would my legs and my back. Sometimes the spasms would be so intense that I would go and get a shot for pain from the hospital. My head hurt all the time, but not like a regular headache. I felt like I was confused and living with a constant brain fog and had a hard time understanding even the most basic things. My stomach was awful, I was told I had IBS and allergic to all sorts of things. I had this weird feeling sometimes where I just couldn’t swallow and would end up throwing up whatever I ate. The worst was the way my skin hurt. Sometimes it hurt to be touched, I couldn’t sleep because it hurt to lay down. Hugs hurt, everything hurt so fucking bad.

I think during this time I became distant from my family. I was in survival mode, trying to just not hurt and get through my daily life. I began to accept that this was how my life was going to be, just in pain with no diagnosis- it was all just in my head. Finally, in early 2019 I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Which at the time it gave me some hope that since I had a diagnosis that I would finally get some relief. In reality, I was super confused. Basically, they have no idea why you are in pain so label it that and throw some pills at you- maybe not in all cases but this is how I felt. The pills helped relieve the skin pain, but it gave me a multitude of other side effects. It wasn’t long until I decided they weren’t for me.

Around the same time I really began to notice how my now ex enjoyed my sickness. It seemed to please him, me in constant pain appeared to satisfy him. It satisfied his insecurities and made him comfortable. Knowing how much he loved seeing me sick infuriated me. One day I had enough of seeing how it please him, I knew that I was fighting back. I would get my life back somehow.

I began to change eating habits and work out. This helped some, but the relief was minimal. I began to try naturopaths and home remedies, I became obsessed with getting better. Along the way I would learn things that made me feel better in some ways but overall still felt awful and I was losing hope that I would ever do things that I loved again.

By the fall of 2019 I immersed myself into self growth and care. I jumped into intensive therapies to uncover my feelings as I felt just so confused and overwhelmed on a daily basis. Here is where I began to see how toxic the relationship was with my ex was, and how living with a narcissist was killing me and likely causing a lot of my physical pains. It wasn’t long until I left that relationship. I physically moved hours away from him mid 2020.

Now the other day I was asked how my fibro was, and honestly I had forgotten I had it. Yes I have the odd mild symptom that is kindly annoying but I am 100% pain free. I do not have the brain fog, the stomach issues the spasms and my skin does not hurt. I do believe a lot of my physical pain was due to years of feeling unloved, unworthy and unwanted. I tried to make myself small to confirm to what he needed- not what I needed. I tried to be someone I wasn’t, and out of fear for his retaliation I would do what I thought would please him and make him happy all in effort to make the house a peaceful place for the kids. My life became a series of me trying to predict what he needed that day to be pleased with me. I so badly wanted to be loved as I was, not being the closed off version of me that made him comfortable. I missed the me who had dreams larger than life. I no longer gave a fuck that I was too much and I wanted better. I was so sick of not be accepted and appreciated. I was miserable, and hid it fro everyone. It was actually embarrassing for me to admit I was I am abusive relationship. If you met me you would see a tough exterior and unwilling to put up with shit. The truth was that I was on the verge or breaking, I needed to be tough to survive. I couldn’t handle one more ounce of shit from anyone and the tough shell was a guard. I would go out of my way to avoid any function, i was so close to breaking down for years. Hiding my pain was getting harder and harder.

As awful as the pain was, I do think it was the wake up call I so badly needed to open my eyes and get my shit together. I am thankful I looked for help, and I am so thankful I decided to stand up for me.

I am in no way saying that all fibromyalgia is due to toxic relationships. But there maybe times that you may need to take a look closer to home. Days after moving hours away from him I was able to sleep soundly and comfortably in my bed, and my skin didn’t hurt to touch. I could hug my loved ones without wincing, it was one of the first signs I needed to validate my choice was the best one for me.

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Breaking Bonds

When you have lived a life through abuse, your mind will start to develop what is called trauma bonds. These bonds are through a cycle of reward and punishment behaviours, the victim will develop an unhealthy emotional attachment to their abuser. Breaking these bonds are hard, and why so many women continue to go back to their abusers. Your brain will feed off of this toxic dependency, and it will become “normal” to you. When you are not experiencing these sort of toxic behaviours, your mind will want to create it. Recovering from this sort of a bond is harder than I ever imagined.

Abuse is often gradual, and the abuser will often groom them. The victims over time will learn to accept this toxic behaviour as normal. In the beginning I did believe the possessive behaviour I experienced was love and I believed it expressed how deeply he cared for me. Not being in any other relationship, I had no idea this wasn’t normal.

I am learning to understand what living through all this has done to my emotional well-being, but there is so much I don’t recognize yet. I would say I have come a long way, but there are so many things that can set me back and trigger me into insecurity. I can be happy one minute and left wondering if I am good enough and questioning every life choice I have ever made the next.

I am so grateful I found the courage to leave, and I do not regret my decision for a second. However, there have been several occasions, usually when times get tough and I am being yelled at by him for something, I wonder if it would be easier to just go back. I know that I would be miserable every single day of my life if that were to happen, it just goes to show the strength of these bonds. I know it’s not good for me or my kids, but your mind still makes you think it would be easier or better and that is where you should be. Fucked… I know.

Recovery is a daily struggle and some days are easier than others. I am thankful for my tribe who checks in on me and cheers me on. I am grateful for my family and loved ones who support me, and I know without them I would not be where I am today. But my heart also aches for those women who do not have support like I do.

The psychological impact this has had on me is far deeper than I ever imagined, and will take so much work on myself to no longer have these triggers. There are days I want to take on the world and set super high goals for myself. The next it’s just a struggle to keep my shit together. The times when I struggle are easier to manage now, and seem to be father apart than they were. Just have to remember to be kind to myself. It took 18 years to get where I am today, I will not recover over night.

One day at a time I will get through this.

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Be Kind

Through this all there is one thing that I have noticed over and over again. So many times women take the blame, and I have felt this to my core during a separation. And honestly, I am guilty of it myself.

How often do we excuse men’s behaviour and justify it with saying something like, “She’s crazy”, as if she less of a human because of how we see her. It’s not ok. Maybe she’s crazy or maybe she is fed up with everyone’s bull shit and wants more for her life. Maybe she is “crazy” because she has put up so many walls to protect herself from anymore abuse and trauma. Or maybe she’s just tired of not being important. Whatever it is, who is anyone to judge? And so often judgement is coming from a place of fear and insecurity.

So many times I felt “crazy” myself, wondering what was real in my life. If I had everything I needed why was I so miserable? Why did I feel so empty? Why did I crave more and hear a calling that there is so much more to life. There is nothing more lonely than feeling like you have no one when you are married.

Why is it that we as a society choose to blame women for anything that is viewed as a failure? Why are we so quick to justify a mans behaviour? Why is it so taboo to cheer on someone who is taking their power back?

To leave was the hardest decision I have ever made. I had no idea how bad things had gotten until I left and it was like a breath of fresh air. I had no idea how abusive my life was until I left and stopped all contact. There has been times where I wondered if I could actually do it all. Work full time, finish my education and raise 4 kids alone. But I have never looked back. I am worth so much more and I will be the biggest cheerleader of any woman who wants better for her and her family. No matter what that looks like.

I don’t understand how woman can tear each other apart. If anyone can relate to the struggles women face, it is any other woman, period. We have all been the one who is too chatty, too quiet, stand-off ish, too bossy, we dressed too revealing or not sexy enough. We have all been the slut or the prude- I could go on and on. But we have all carried a label that someone else gave us and it’s bull shit.

Be the woman who is the biggest fan of any other woman fighting for what she deserves in life. After all, no matter how much we fight for equality in so many ways this is still a man’s world. if I have learned anything through all of this, it’s compassion. We have no idea what anyone’s life is like behind closed doors, and you may not see it but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

I had a heart to heart with my mom the other day and again she asked why I never said anything sooner. It bothers her that for 16 years of marriage I put up with it, never said a word and she had no idea. They would have helped me to get out. First of all, I wasn’t raised to leave a marriage, it was drilled into me that no matter what you stand by your spouse. So I did. Second, he had me convinced that it was all in my head and no one would believe me. Third, financially I couldn’t for a lot of years. He never wanted me to have an education or better myself and I do believe that he wanted to control that aspect. She told me how she can see it now, I would have my anger outbursts once and awhile. I never really seemed happy and I had so many health issues, but now when she looks at me she sees the person that I used to be. She feels some guilt for not seeing it for what it was and helping me, but I spent so much time and energy making it look like we had the perfect life that you would never know otherwise. I could create the perfect illusion, until one day you just can’t anymore. That slapping on another fake smile makes you want to rage. You know your dreams will never be realized because you will have to fight the entire way. You feel that you will always be less important and take the back seat for life. And I was so tired of the blame, the manipulation and the accusations. One day you wake up and just know that you cannot live in this hell for one more day and you need to get out.

I have learned to not give a shit what others think. I know me and my children are in a better place now and I am so proud for taking those hard steps. Be kind, you have no idea what other people’s lives look like behind closed doors. As much as I want to see him suffer and people see the real him, I know it will all come out in the wash and it’s best just to move on.

💗

A Never Ending Battle

I’m sitting here this evening thinking about how these past few weeks have unfolded. And it’s just disheartening to say the least. Although this post will be fairly vague as I am not comfortable discussing these matter yet, the feelings of frustration would resonate with many who have ever dealt with our legal system.

There is a new person in the mix who mirrors many of the same frightening qualities of my ex and other qualities that are much more terrifying. And together so far they form a match made in hell. Since this person has become involved the manipulation, arrogance and over all fucked up behaviour has skyrocketed and it’s exhausting.

What this person is capable of sends shivers to my core. My children have met this person twice and both times the kids have told me all sorts of things that make your skin crawl. It is the hardest situation I have even been in, to hear my baby say, “I was scared and I cried all night alone in my bed just wishing you would come get me”. The fear they have and I have is real. And our legal and family system fails us to the fucking core. It’s so frustrating that there are warning signs like crazy flashing and not even vague. They are bold to say the least. I document. I inform those that need to be informed and although they say it raises huge concerns for them as well and I have done everything under the sun that they would recommend to remedy the situation, it technically isn’t illegal and they can’t really do anything. Nothing has happened AND I can’t keep my kids away from their father without cause. In my mind and any reasonable human says there is just cause but he has rights too. I understand that, but when a child is at risk I say fuck you and your rights. You hurt a child you don’t deserve any. But our laws disagree. It makes me want to scream with anger.

And to top it off, I just want something agreed on, in a signed contract. Something concrete. So when he gets raked over the coals by some new love, I have what is needed to provide for the kids. The way he is headed it’s not a matter of if, it’s when. So I just want the kids looked after. I don’t want to have this battle again in 2 years with some other angry ex involved. And on top of it all I just want a divorce. I don’t want to be tied to someone who has so little concern for their children. But no, he fired his lawyer and if I want a divorce then I have to pay for it. So you sleep with a coworker and I pay for the divorce. Seems fair.

All I can hope for is that someday soon we get some help. Some feeling of safety and security. Where I can send my kids and not sit there in fearless keep them home and have the backing of a legal system. I don’t want to have to take such drastic measures. I just want to be like oh hey, they kids don’t feel great about this.. can you address it? But that is so far from my reality it makes me hurt for my kids.

At one point I loved this man. Not sure how or why anymore but I did. I feel like I have failed as a mother when you hear your kid say “I really hope dad just moves away and leaves us alone, he doesn’t really want us anyways.” It’s so upsetting.

Some days I don’t know how, but we will get through it together.

💗

Listen Closer

Over and over I think to myself how did I not see all of this sooner. Well the truth is you can’t see in a smoke filled room. But interestingly enough there were several things over the years that should have gave me hints into what type of person he actually was. The more I learn about this the more it sends shivers down my spine.

For years I have heard the term projection. I didn’t really get it honestly, but really listen to what people are telling you. It will give you a deeper look into who they really are. Recently I stumbled across a powerhouse of a woman. Kim Constable, the founder of The Sculpted Vegan and she has a podcast series. I encourage everyone to look her up, especially those who are looking for someone who is no bullshit when it comes to changing your habits to better yourself or fitness goals. Anyways she describes projecting in a way that made me finally understand it.

Essentially projecting is taking traits or things you dislike about yourself and attributing them to someone else. For example if me and my friends Jane and Jack go out for supper and Jane tells us how happy she is for a coworker who won the lottery, that she really deserved it. Later on Jack and I discuss this coworker of Jane’s winning the lottery and I comment on how I love how genuine Jane is and how she enjoys seeing good things happen to people. And Jack says I really hate it when Jane lies, how could she be genuinely happy about something like that. Jack is projecting his feelings about the situation and how he would likely react if he was in that situation. So basically he may lie or not be genuinely happy to see someone else do well. Maybe not the best example but you get the idea.

There have been several comments over the years that have hurt or upset me and stayed with me. Most of these have made me go where in the almighty fuck did that come from? I think I have come to realize that he was telling me who he was for years, and I failed to see it.

We used to live in a rural community where I would make a day trip to the city to get groceries, doc apt, etc. I would haul all the kids in with me run around, do all the errands and come home. On these days he often would accuse me of cheating on him. I usually would meet my parents for lunch or stop and see my grandma to give the kids a break. So many times he would accuse me of cheating. Like how in the hell would that even be possible, come on! I would have 4 kids under 7 accompanying me and come home with a vehicle full of groceries, diapers, dog food and banking done. But I guess for someone who has never done all the errands with kids in tow, you wouldn’t realize how time consuming it is to load and unload the kids every single stop.

If any man talked to me, he would immediately accuse me of wanting to sleep with them or vice versa. I can’t hardly think of a time when someone said hi and he would ask who it was, what they wanted, how I knew them and when I was meeting up with this person. He would tell me that I’m just searching for the next husband and that I was never happy with him. Always looking for something better. It would never matter who it was, why they were talking to me, it was always the same accusation. Maybe I am naive, but I honestly don’t believe all men who talk to me want to get in my pants.

As time went on and things got rockier it would get darker. He would say things about people that I would associate with, things that have never been proven or even mentioned before. He would say how so and so’s husband was a cheater and a scum bag low life who wouldn’t care about marriage and try to sleep with me. Or perhaps he was a wife beater and I should never be around those women, I would just get myself into trouble caught in the middle of his rage. The worst was some accusations of how he didn’t want my kids around certain men because our daughters are growing up and these guys would probably abuse the girls if given the chance. How does that enter your mind? And if this is indeed a projection that is terrifying as fuck. These people he would accuse- he had never met them, just saw them from a distance. Was he trying to alienate me from my friends or projecting something he felt. What? Not that I know everyone’s personal life, it just seemed odd how many people he has such horrendous issues with. It made me wonder what kind of demons he deals with on a regular basis and how scared should I be of sending my kids for visitation. And I am in no way accusing him of ever being in appropriate with our children.

Now the latest projection is how all I want is money. That’s all I’m interested in him. I have 4 kids living with me, and I get paid substantially less than required and he makes a lot more than me. So yes I will request that he pay a fair amount. So when I buy the kids winter boots that are way too expensive, according to him, I don’t have to worry about asking for money. Or when I put $600 worth of tires on our sons car I don’t have to ask for money. Or when I’m running all over hell for doctor appointments and running up my fuel bill, I don’t have to ask for money. So if looking after our kids and providing them with the things they need is money hungry, then I’m hungry as fuck I guess. And I will always be that way and be completely unapologetic for it.

Just a small bit of the things I heard regularly. On the flip, it really makes you take a step back and think about what I am projecting into this world. Good or bad, we all do it. I am not saying every situation is projection but when they have the same underlying issue of deceit, unfaithfulness and harming of others. It makes you really wonder.

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Reflection

The last few days I have been thinking about 2020. The stress, the trauma, how I finally got to where I am but most of all I am reflecting on my personal growth. I spend a lot of time thinking about me, what my role was in all of this and how I will continue to move forward.

I think if anyone says they didn’t have a roll in an abusive relationship or the breakdown of a relationship, I would flat out say you are dead wrong. Not that I would ever say I deserved what happened to me, if that makes sense. I am in control of my actions and how I respond to all situations, I know I could have done better. I plan on doing and being better going forward, but it’s for me not for anyone else. For a lot of years, I did not have this awareness or accepted my faults. And honestly it has probably only been something I have truly accepted in the last year.

Going way back to the years where we started dating, there were indications that this relationship would turn abusive in time. I lacked the knowledge and education to recognize that this was not normal. My parents did not have this type of relationship, so this was not modelled for me. As a teenager I was somewhat insecure, so when this relationship started it was nice to have someone who seemed to care so deeply about me. Concerned about who I was with, where I was and what I was doing. I did break it off once as I felt smothered, but he continued to tell me that it was all because he loved me so much. I eventually caved and we began dating while in high school. From that time on friends, family and everything else became secondary to what he wanted or needed. And I made that choice because he cared so deeply about me, I already began to put my needs and wants second. And the times that I did want to do something else because I wanted to, when he would tell me no. I allowed it, I would accept it. I would shut down and I would resent him. My actions of giving in to please him was continually giving away my power. Rarely did I ever speak up about how I felt, what I wanted or needed. On occasion when I did the conversation would turn to how I was wrong or misinterpreting something and that now actually how it was, and I would accept it. Say nothing and harbour resentment.

One of my biggest mistakes I have made is never speaking up. My mom asked how long this has been going on, and it was our entire relationship. It just got to the point I couldn’t handle it anymore. I suppressed all my feelings. I got to the point that I didn’t even know what I was feeling. There were times I would crack, and it always came out as rage and anger. In reality it’s a lot of pain, hurt and neglect. I longed for someone to truly love and accept me. I made myself smaller so he would accept me. I put my dreams, goals and aspirations on hold so he would feel safe and secure. Me excelling at something where it could potentially take some of the spot light off of him was not something he accepted or allowed. I would accept the sabotage over and over again.

I knew he was insecure, and whether it was consciously or subconsciously I said and did things to make him feel insecure. I do believe I wanted to get him back, I wanted him to feel the pain I felt. I would attract or engage with both men and women who would make him feel insecure. These people were usually those who seemed to see something in me that I didn’t see myself and thought I should be doing more, or those who noticed my unhappiness or the way I was being treated and told me to get out. And I loved these relationships, I loved hearing the things they saw about me or when they said he doesn’t treat you the way you should be treated. He would tell me these people just wanted to sleep with me, and that I needed to stop all contact with them. So I had a no contact list. Interestingly enough, there were 2 family members on this list. One a cousin who seemed to feel that I had talents that were being wasted, and the other was my biological mom who would support me fiercely when I said I wanted more for myself when it came to education or a career. And she is strong. Strong women scared the shit out of him. So these people believing in me made him very uncomfortable. I often would follow the no contact rule or at very least limit contact to when he was around so he could “monitor” the conversations. I hoped this would make him relax and the no contact list would end, but it never did. I became an expert on how to navigate topics in conversation to make him feel safe and comfortable so I could be around those on the no contact list. Carefully avoiding subject that would put me in the hot seat later on.

There were several times during fights where I would say things like that’s it, I’m done. I threatened divorce probably about 10 times in our almost 16 year marriage. I am not proud of this, he deserved better. I lacked the skills to communicate effectively on what I needed or wanted. I felt like I couldn’t make him “hear” me so that’s what I threatened. I know it hurt him. About 5 years ago, I said it again and I meant it, but he threatened suicide so I backed off. But he would never get the help I would ask him to go for. Never do anything to get himself to a better place. I gave up. I don’t know if the outcome would have changed, or if I even would have wanted it to change. But I know he has some serious mental health needs that he will not address himself. As I type that I am realizing how much pressure I put on me to make sure he was ok. Threatening the end of the relationship is not ok, it was the only thing that would make him stop whatever he was doing and the fight would usually end. The threat would often happen during a long fight and is don’t have the energy for it anymore, I just wanted it to end.

Just over a year ago, after feeling how everything is always my fault. I contacted someone to help me with my relationship. I knew I needed to work on me before I could fix us. It became clear in a short amount of time that my energy was going into him and there was nothing left for me. I began to look after myself mentally and physically (although since fell off the wagon physically) and I knew that I couldn’t heal where all the pain and trauma had taken place. So here I am.

I look around at this year. What I have accomplished and my future plans. I am proud of what I was able to purchase the kids for Christmas, and I’m feeling like I will be just fine financially. I have learned to accept support and help. I have opened up, I have learned to be grateful for so many things I took for granted before. Sometimes it’s still hard but I do feel like I am moving forward. Healing after a relationship like this is no easy task. It’s changing those habits and mindsets that are the hardest.

I talked to a friend the other day. And she said she used to tell herself that she isn’t where she wants to be, but she isn’t where she was. That’s how I feel, one day at a time. And one day all the work I have put into healing and making positive changes I will be exactly where I want to be and each day is better than the last.

💗

Selfish

These last few weeks have went by in such a blur. I find myself often haunted with my sons call when he had rolled my vehicle, the scared panic in his voice. I am so thankful that him and his girlfriend walked away unharmed. And honestly in the days after this, I think a whole new level of realization of just how selfish my ex is settled in.

My son was driving my car due to the amount of snow we had and he had a flat on his car. Tire wasn’t repairable and we needed to order a new set. I told my son I would help pay for it, but he could ask his dad for help as well. His response was ahhh no that’s fine. This struck me as odd but I just left it, the day after the accident his dad tells him to take his 2 best winter tires and 2 best summer tires and put them on his car and make do. When I heard this I was furious. He just crashed and now you want to slap shitty tires on his car and compromise his safety? He drives to and from work and hockey, do we not want him safe? Wtf is wrong with you? But I held it in and thankfully the tire shop said they wouldn’t do that. So a new set was ordered. But who paid for the tires? Me. I just want to slap him, you wouldn’t do that to your own vehicle why is it ok for our son?

My oldest and youngest daughters have began to pull away from him hard. My littlest informed me the other day that she doesn’t like to go see dad anymore, it’s different. When I asked her why she just got tears in her eyes and just said that she feels like dad doesn’t really care about her anymore. That was so fucking hard to hear, I so badly wanted to say he’s a dick and she’s better off without him. But instead I just hugged her, told her I understood how she felt, reassured her that I will always be there for her. As the tears rolled down both our cheeks I wish he could see how some of the things he says and does hurts the kids.

Days later he accused me of not allowing contact with the kids. Hmmm I pay all the cell bills, you have access to them. I casually asked the kids how dad was doing one day after school. The response was the same from the older ones, not sure he hasn’t talked to me in a couple weeks. Nice. So I went into my littlest iPad. I checked her messages for his name, her snap and her face time. No messages, last snap directly to her from him was 8 weeks ago, last FaceTime was oct 16 and before that July 27. Tough to have contact with the kids when you don’t try. So I respond with you are welcome to pick a time and call my phone and talk to the littlest. The other 3 have their phones, call whenever it works for them. In response to this, he tells our oldest daughter to make sure that our littlest calls him regularly. Why? You don’t put that on a kid, you’re the adult. Act like it.

He has also told our oldest daughter the most inappropriate things. For example, how he would have hurt himself if he didn’t get help. This pissed me off so much, that is why I didn’t leave for years because he pulled the suicide card but when I tried to get him help he was ok. He just needed me and he would be fine, I just needed to be better for him. And stupidly I took that on. Why would you tell a 15 year old that? You trying to manipulate and control her too? You trying to make her feel sorry for you? What? What is your motive behind sharing this?

Right now he is angry with me, as I prepare for divorce I want everything settled. Child support, custody, visitations… all of it. When it comes to the kids and the time, he actually fights for very little which makes me believe it won’t be long until he walks away from them for good. His main fight? Money. So I make half of what you do, but costs are about 2/3 me and 1/3 you. Why am I planning every penny when you are planning ski trips? Why can’t you put the kids before you just once? You are being a pain in the ass for me but you are hurting them. You are the reason why your children are pulling away. Everyday I will get a text from him, something to do with the agreement. Great, talk to your lawyer I do not want to negotiate with you. I’m not strong enough to stand up to you, you’ll walk all over me and I have had it.

I keep reminding myself that he is in control of his life. If he chooses a path that hurts the kids, he will be alone in years to come. His selfish ways will only push the kids closer to me. I wish they had a kick ass dad, one that I could feel good about when I sent them for the weekend. I wish that I wouldn’t worry if they are scared and feeling alone with no one to hug them and protect them. I wish that when I sent them I could relax enough to enjoy the break from parenting that I deserve, but they are never far from my mind. As awful as it is, I find myself hoping he will walk away for good. No more coming in and out of their lives. No more everyone has to do everything for me bull shit. There is just so much more peace when his name isn’t mentioned, you can literally feel the tension in the room if his name comes up. Breaks my heart seeing the kids physical responses to hearing they will be going to see dad.

All I can do is love and support them everyday that I can, and hope it’s enough to pull them through this shitty time.

💞

Struggles

Today has been a challenge, I had started a post about something else but I need to get this out before I snap.

So, for months I received various threats and texts from the other woman. It was clear that in her mind she felt that I wronged her or she was entitled to my life. I was the threat, he apparently ended it with her in attempt to fix things with me. My gut feels like he wanted both and maybe for a time he has both. These messages hurt a lot, cut deeper than anything I have ever experienced before. I didn’t know her, I don’t know the entirety of the relationship she had with my now ex. I didn’t understand why I was getting threat after threat, and I will never understand why she feels the need to be so cruel to another woman or another human in general.

Last night, I received a call from her. I missed it and she left no voice mail and didn’t send a text or anything. I woke up to her number on my phone. I didn’t recognize the number, as I do not have it. So I asked my ex the whose number was this, it wasn’t in my contacts. He says, it was the other woman and she had also called his new girlfriend. At first I laughed because who gives a shit, at least she didn’t tell me that I should be in a casket. But he proceeds to tell me that he is calling the cops and giving a statement. Ok fine, so I asked what she had said to the new woman. Oh nothing he says, it’s just that she called. Ok, so let me get this straight…. there is no exchange of words, just a number showed up on her phone. And that is too far? That is what is going to get you to call the cops? And that hit me hard. I had received 30+ messages, he did nothing. I begged him to quit his job and let’s move. Let’s just get away from her. He chose not to. So now I am working towards healing all of this pain and hurt, learning how to trust and learning how to not lose my shit when an unknown names comes up on my phone. What I would give to only have a number on my phone instead of a threat. And then I thought oh new gf, you had better toughen up if you want to stay with that guy. That is nothing compared to what is in store.

Today all the pain came back if wondering what it was about me that made him not want to protect me from literally anything in life. As I’m talking to him, I am so thankful I left as I deserve so much more. However the pain is still very real, to know I was the mother of your 4 children. I was with you for 18 years and I never was treated with the respect and decency you are showing this women. I wish him what he deserves. That he gets what he gave. Nothing more, nothing less.

And on a complete side note, why is she settling for this? You’ve been with him for 2 weeks, already have his insane side chick calling you and you’re ok with that? Walk away woman!!

I need to learn that healing will come from within. I will never get closure, I will never get a heartfelt apology like I long for. It just won’t happen. That’s so hard to accept.

💗

The kids

This was an unexpected post, last night was super upsetting to me and I hope I never hear of anything so awful again. I have debated posting this. But I feel like it has a lot of benefit. My kids gave me so many signs that I missed. They were acting out, and I should have seen it.

My ex was going to help my parents this weekend, this plan was in the works before we split. So when my parents asked if they should cancel I said no, it helps you. Go for it. So the plan was the kids would go stay at my parents with him this weekend. And my kids love going there so it felt like a good option for them to spend time with their dad.

My oldest made plans after knowing dad was coming down and none of his plans include seeing his dad. I thought this was odd but since he’s in grade 12, he has the right to do as he pleases. My next oldest is sick and never planned on going. She just wants to be home, makes sense. My little two came home from school. One suddenly had a sore throat and felt really sick and when my other daughter found out that her older sister wasn’t coming and she has to spend 2 nights she quickly rounded up her cousins to come. This all made me go hmmmm. Why? The kids love going to the farm.

I knew seeing my ex was going to be awkward and uncomfortable as my daughter, the sick one recently told her dad off. Basically told him he’s a dick to us and she wants nothing to do with him until he gets help. Told him how she sees how he makes me cry and does almost anything to hurt me. This came back as my fault because I’m turning her against him. On the way home from my parents, she opened up to me. She asked if I remembered a few years back when she was really struggling. I said yes. She’s continues, I never told you all of it… I knew for years it was dad making me miserable. I was well aware of the fights between the two of them. I just told myself that it was different personalities. But I also knew she didn’t like being around him when I wasn’t there, but never really knew why. She tells me that one time I was gone, and they had another fight. She screamed at him that she was going to kill herself. His response was, “have fun.” Hearing this brought tears to my eyes. I had no fucking idea. I was mad, sad and heartbroken this poor child had lived through a statement like that. And she said that he never even apologized. She told me how it still hurts her, of course it would.

Around the same time frame my oldest was acting out. He was angry, and treated his sisters like crap. He had a temper and he was rude and condescending. I chalked it up to hormones and the age he was at. Looking back, I think he was treating me how he saw me and his sisters being treated by his dad. This added to my daughters despair. She told me that she was so sick of her brother being so awful and cruel to her. Both the men in her life treated her as she wasn’t valuable and didn’t deserve love.

I asked why she didn’t tell me about any of this sooner and she said I didn’t know how to, and I didn’t think anyone would believe me. Holy hell kid, I can relate. No one understands this more than I do. What really is hard for me, is the guilt I feel. As a mom, I want nothing more than my kids to be loved and feel safe. I failed them. I was so deep in survival mode myself, that I missed them crying out for help. This got me thinking, there has even been times when I myself have been guilty of this. But when I hear a story of a man abusing his kids, I mean sexually and I am no way saying that has happened in my house that I am aware of- but often we accuse the woman of not knowing, or even allowing it. My daughter gave me several examples of verbal abuse she had endured, and I had no fucking idea. This had made me so grateful I left. We got out, she feels comfortable enough to tell me these things. I failed her then, but I won’t again. And I will do everything I can to protect my children from having this happen again. This also made me realize how, as women we need to be kind to one another. We never know what’s is going on in someone’s life. We can’t judge someone for not doing what we think they should have done. Sometimes we are so busy trying to survive we miss the things right under our noses. But a valuable lesson, I am so thankful nothing happened and I was able to have this candid discussion with her. Kids know so much, pay attention to their non verbal cries for help.

💗

Caution: Venting

So many times I try to get through this calmly and to treat him with respect. But then there are days like this where it’s all I can do to not chew him a new assh*le. So here is what I would love to say, but never will.

I am so sick of you just checking out. Glad you are enjoying single life. Post all the pics you want about being father of the year. But then if you are such an amazing dad right now, why don’t talk to them at all in between visits? Why do you feel the need to claim that I’m hurting your relationship with them? Not sure what I should say to our daughter when she says that she feels like dad acts as though he isn’t responsible for us anymore. And it’s like he is just throwing his life away, and doesn’t care anymore. I don’t have many responses for that, what should I tell them?

Your daughter is sick. Why are you bragging about your new truck when you call? Guess what? She doesn’t care, she wants to know her dad still gives a shit. She wants to have a normal day at school. She wants to play hockey and go out with friends. It kills me to know how angry she is with you, and you continue to push her away. She literally has been laying in bed for a month. Day in. Day out. She sent you a Christmas list because she has nothing to do. Why the F would you tell her she’s demanding? What the hell is wrong with you? You know how much it hurts my heart to hear her ask me to get full custody of her? How sick of you she is, and how she doesn’t think you’d care anyways. My job is to support a relationship with you and your kids. Why do you have to make it so f@cking hard??

I want to tell you how upset I get when our littlest one says she doesn’t tell dad about fun things we do because she knows dad will just get mad at me. When she cries and asks why he’s so mad at her? Yeah. I don’t know kid. I’ve been trying to fix this for years. And I don’t have words, so we just sit there and cry together and I reassure her that dad loves her, he’s just going through a bad time right now. But are you? Or you just being a selfish jerk?

I’m so tired of hearing how you have so much pain. I have caused you so much pain blah blah blah. Horse shit. We are all going through a lot. Take a step back. Pull your head out of your ass and breathe the fresh air. This isn’t easy for anyone. We are all going though a lot of pain right now. Recognize and understand that for your kids. Not for me. They want to know you care.

And this new truck. I swear to god I have dreamt about running you over in it. You bitch to me about $140 winter boots for the kids but you can buy a brand new truck. Take on a new payment that you didn’t have before. Tell me that you’re broke and the child support I’m asking for is too much but then proceed to buy a new truck. Take on a what… $800 a month truck payment to save $100 on gas?? Wtf? You don’t drive the kids to anything, quit with the bull shit material things. None of it will make you feel better.

I’m so sick and tired of the threatening messages. Sorry I had to call the cops, but you just don’t seem to get it. You can’t scare me with intimidation anymore. You don’t own me. And I’m not afraid. I have had enough of your bull shit.

You know how much it hurts to know that the woman you chose to sleep with. Your coworker. The one who chose to send death threats to me, it hurts to know you still work side by side with her. Not angry that she has done what she did. Not that she has put your family through way more shit than anyone ever deserves. You don’t care. It sucks knowing that I obviously didn’t mean f$ck all to you. All those years I tried to be better, just so we could be happy. Makes no sense to me how you can be so cold, we are not the same.

I just keep hoping that you’ll get what you gave. And I think it’s likely the best thing for you.