I know I will never know the truth of what went on in my marriage. I know who I thought I was married to, and the person I wanted him to be were far different from the reality. It still stings, but I make peace by knowing I am in a better place and it might be better for me not knowing the whole truth.
The last few weeks have been emotionally draining for me, I find myself struggling to process it all and put the pieces together of the bits of information I gather. Then I get ahold of myself and ask why bother? Why am I wasting my time on this? Why am I still giving him my energy? I will never know the truth, and even if I did, it would change nothing.
It started a few weeks ago when my ex’s family were hosting a BBQ for the grads in the family. Almost immediately after the weekend was over I began receiving messages from several of my ex’s family members saying how they don’t care for his new girlfriend and they think she is bat shit crazy. These messages were somewhat unexpected considering the people who were messaging me. A few days later I got another message, and this one was along the lines of telling me that they couldn’t get this off their mind and they wanted me to know what they heard. At some point in the evening the new girlfriend made a comment to knowing and eluded to being with my ex years before we were separated. Now, here is where my mind went into overdrive.
There is no way they could have known each other prior to using some sort of social media or dating site to meet. She has no kids and much older than us, careers would not cross paths and we didn’t travel to where she lives other than for hockey, this jogged something in my memory. When my oldest daughter played hockey, from time to time we would travel to the town where the new girlfriend lives, about 3 hours away for a game and then then head back home. I remembered a conversation I had with my daughter once the day after a game, around 3-4 years ago. My ex had carpooled with my daughter, a friend of his which he also happens to work with (I will come back to the importance of this “friend”) and his daughter. The game was an evening game, so I didn’t go cause hellllloooo I like to sleep, so he went. When they arrived my ex went in and just said that he had to leave for a bit and do something, he bought a 50/50 ticket and left. The size of the town they were in was small, it has few business and everything seems to shut down by 5 or 6. In my experience even eating there in the evening or weekends can be tricky. There are few businesses so running an errand makes no sense. My daughter proceeds to tell me that dad won the 50/50 and they kept announcing it over and over again and couldn’t find the winner. He had won the 50/50 and finally collected the winnings at the end of the game. She said she didn’t see him there they whole time and thought it was off, because she saw his “friend” there sitting alone. She asked me where dad had gone. I had no idea, I made a mental note to ask him later but I never did follow up with that thought. I got busy and forgot all about it, not that I would have ever been told the truth. So did they know each other before? Who knows, all I know is that something stinks here.
What if they did know each other prior? The little I know about this woman I know that she is a creep and has no problem sending me harassing texts present day, so could she the one that was harassing me over a year from an anonymous account? Was she involved in hacking me? The very little I know about her suggests that her personality has a ton of red flags and it could have been her from the start.
I chose to over look so many flags, it is insane. Years ago, he received a new work phone and the one day I went into my messages looking for a picture he had sent. I went into the info where all the media is and I discovered that his location was on and he was trackable. I won’t lie, I did look at it a lot and not for the reasons you would think. Often if it was getting close to picking a kid up and he was supposed to be arriving home any moment I would check it. If it worked out I would call and ask him to pick up whatever kid at whatever location, if he was a long way away I would just go myself. It never even crossed my mind to tell him that I was able to do this. I thought if his phone came like that, it was maybe a standard safety feature with his work. As time went on and I became more suspicious I absolutely did use it to “check up” on him. The one time he told me that he had to finish up a few things so he would be late, at first I took his word but some nagging feelings had me check the location. There he was, in a residential area no where near his office, I just thought it was strange and ignored it. Some time later, I would find out that this location is in the same area where the female coworker he was sleeping with lives. Him telling me that it happened only once is now looking like that is also a lie. I didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t know she even existed at that point in time so I let it go. That location became a somewhat familiar spot, he was either at his office or there. I became suspicious so I did question this location. He was livid that I was tracking him, and the phone and location lies. He began yelling at me, asking why I am creating things in my head? Why am I so jealous? Why am I being crazy again?… I heard it all that night. He got so angry that I was terrified and from that day on his location was off, and I never asked again. Looking back his behavior was the tell tale sign that something was off and he was where he shouldn’t be.
So back to the “friend” of his. This man was never my fave person of mine. He wasn’t rude or anything, just something seemed off. I eventually decided that it was because he had the personality of a potato but that wasn’t it at all. This man was around my ex on several occasions when there was other women involved. The first was was not long after they started working together, there was some event and I didn’t attend, I actually don’t believe I was invited. My ex ended up staying out late with this “friend” and a couple of women that he worked with. Over the next few days, one of the women began to blow up his phone. Not only that but suddenly she was tagging him in jokes and likely all of his things on social media. This went on for a few weeks until I finally had enough. I was told nothing happened that he and his “friend” were out with these women (coworkers) I had nothing to worry about, I was being crazy and this woman was just being friendly. Next event, hockey game I talked about earlier. The next one is that the coworker that my ex ended up admitting to sleeping with, was the admin for his “friend”. A party at the “friend’s” house where my oldest daughter discovered her dad off in a corner of the house away from all the guests chatting to another woman within inches of her face was a good friend of this man. When he went to a mountain resort with his work and his “friend” was with him the whole time. Saw him making out with his coworker on the dancefloor, at the bar, saw them leave together.. all of it, he was there. This man who has been married for years and a father to daughters, knew all of this was taking place and never said a word. My new thoughts on him is that something was off because he is a dirt bag. There is now way he wouldn’t have picked up any of these things and not had some indication what was going on, and these are the few instances that I know about. For years he knew, he talked to me, saw me with the kids and said nothing.
I was going crazy for days. I began to wonder how many years this has happened and honestly there were indications for more than half of my married years that this was happening. This was the norm. I slowly became accustomed to not questioning anything, all of it was happening right under my nose. I had such a fear of questioning things and setting him off that I wouldn’t confront him, instead I brushed it off because I didn’t want to be called the crazy, jealous and controlling wife.
All there is to do now, is to take a breath and be so relieved that this is not my life anymore. I need make peace and accept the fact that I will never know. I will never hear the truth or an apology. I need to forgive myself for putting up with that for so long. For years I did not value myself and put myself first. I accepted a lot less than what I deserved. I know I didn’t love myself for so long, I was beginning to be self destructive. Thank god I snapped out of it and got the hell out. Everyday is better, but these things still hurt. The farther away I get from it all, the more clearly I see the picture. I will never settle for a relationship like this again.