This weekend as I was camping with my family, I received a text message from my ex’s new girlfriend. I could tell that I had done a lot of great work with my self care, as this didn’t upset me. I was able to respond to it, rather than react. I felt nothing.
A bit of background, she came into the kids lives around December 2020. They had maybe been dating a month when she met the kids. The first meeting was not great, it raised some concern about her conduct and my ex not protecting the kids or standing up for them. Not even just directing what is acceptable and what isn’t acceptable. It seemed as though he thought the kids would just accept her as a step mom figure, and live life like the Brady Bunch. The kids were texting me continuously, and not ok with the situation at hand. After the weekend was over, and they were home I gathered the facts and attempted to talk to my ex about what went on. He denied any of it, said it wasn’t a big deal. So I contacted my lawyer, told her what had gone on and she suggested that she would send a letter do the behavior would be documented, and usually it stopped the behavior. I wasn’t sure if she was just oblivious to what her actions were doing to the kids, or if there was some ill intent behind it.
The letter clearly stated that I didn’t care if she was around the kids, but she needed to respect boundaries. My ex was furious. Threatened all sorts of things for me sending this letter, which wasn’t unexpected.
Christmas time came, and the kids went and spent time with him again. They were texting me non stop, asking me to come and get them. At one point there was a fight between my eldest daughter and her dad. To the point she, and her sisters called me in tears. I could hear him screaming at her through the door at them. She wanted to call the cops, she wanted to take her sisters and run to a friends house in the night to be safe. I got off the phone with her and contacted a crisis worker to help her through it. I knew if he found out she was talking to me it would escalate the fight further. It was the most awful experience. The kids got home, Christmas Day. Upset and fighting with each other. They had said they just stayed silent to try and keep the peace and not make him mad. They said they wanted to call me, but they knew if dad knew it would cause a fight. At their young ages, they are already walking on egg shells around him. My heart broke for them. The kids said that he didn’t seem to care if they were there. They asked to never have to go back for that long again. A week was too long.
Fast forward to the next visitation they have with him. He has not attempted to make things better since the Christmas fight and he takes them to his new girlfriends house. This time the behavior was worse than the time before. The letter that had been sent a month or so earlier was completely ignored. Once again, the texts were flooding my phone asking me to come and get them. They just wanted to come home. The behavior was so bad that I consulted some professionals. All of them recommended that the incidents be reported.
And that was the last time he would have seen his daughters, about six months ago. My son, who is older will see him from time to time if he is in the area. But his daughters don’t to go see him, and refuse to go if the girlfriend is around.
I have been trying to teach my daughters boundaries. We talk about what they are comfortable with, and what is not ok. It is sad that I have to teach them how to set boundaries for their father, so they don’t fall into the same pattern that I did. On several occasions, when he has been in the area, he has asked to see them and every single time they say that they are willing to see him- as long as it is without her. He won’t accommodate that. He won’t bend to help heal that relationship. He won’t spend time with his daughters without his girlfriend around. It’s heartbreaking. They feel like dad has taken his girlfriend’s side over theirs.
Back to the text, she apologized to me that she had made the girls uncomfortable. Now, I do not know this woman, all I know is from what the kids have told me. At first, I was annoyed that another woman involved with my ex is texting me. Granted, this time I am not involved with him was a nice. Then I wondered if this is sincere. I need to know, that she takes accountability for what she has done. So I respond. I tell her that her telling my daughters that they are going to see her wet ass pussy is unacceptable. I tell her that choosing to ignore the letter was her chance to make things right, and it isn’t up to me to make sure that she understands. My job is to keep my kids safe, and she has proven that she isn’t to be trusted. To my disappointment, she blamed my girls for her behaviors including the wet ass pussy comments that she made. My daughters were right. They have said from the start that she is fake and they don’t trust her. If you are offering an apology, you better not blame my kids for any of it. I expect you to take some responsibility. Sadly, that is not how it went. I then asked her to stop texting me, and after 3 more texts that I didn’t respond to, she did quit.
What I don’t think she understands is that my responsibility is to my kids, always. I am a momma bear, you had better not mess with my cubs. It is not up to me to make sure she has a relationship with the kids. My job is to ensure that I do what I can to help them have a relationship with their father, and if the girls don’t trust him; they won’t trust her. I do not have the time, nor the energy to babysit you and hold your hand through being a step-parent. Don’t be creepy. Don’t do things that make them tell me that they feel like you could be a child predator. It is not up to the girlfriend to make sure he has a relationship with his kids. If he doesn’t take the steps necessary to heal that relationship, then they are likely better off without him. It is not my problem if you don’t understand what is appropriate or inappropriate. Girlfriends may come and go, his kids are always his. If neither of you are genuine with your intentions with the kids, they will know and will want nothing to do with either of you. There should never be a choice between his children and his new woman. I feel like she has made him choose, and his children have suffered in the process. She kept saying she wished we had talked sooner. Why? I don’t… I don’t ever want to talk to you. Maybe I am wrong in this, but it is how I feel. I don’t want to be her friend. I don’t want to be anywhere near my ex and his life and have the pain and chaos he causes anywhere around me. I tried to address all of the issues with my ex, but if he doesn’t listen and wants to ignore what his kids are saying then I will go through legal channels to make sure they are safe. If he chooses to not listen, not my problem. I have always tried talking to him prior to making any decisions, every single time he shuts down what I say. The kids are lying, I am exaggerating… blah, blah, blah. Therefore, I follow instructions recommended to me by the professionals that I consult and I document everything.
So basically when I have the new girlfriend texting me, it is all I can do to stop myself from telling her that she and her feelings is not my fucking problem. I will never understand why the women in my ex’s life feel the need to contact me, I am hopeful that this will be the last time I hear from a woman involved with him. Unfortunately, I don’t feel that this will ever be the case.