Incapable of Change

This morning I was scrolling through Facebook as I had my morning coffee, and I saw this. It hit me hard, and not in a painful way but more in validation of where I am today.

In one of my last posts, I spoke of how it has been a year since I made some big changes. There are times when I think of the past; I can still hear myself begging him to quit his job and come with me as tears streamed down my face. I begged and pleaded for him and us to make necessary changes so we could remain together and he just stood there, with no emotion. I never understood how he could watch someone in so much pain and not act to try and fix it. Even when he “tried”, everything was my fault. Literally everything, when I listened to him in those final days it was always I did this because you did that. Never once was there a genuine apology for anything he had done, it was just always so defensive. I accepted that nothing would ever change, and did I really always want to feel responsible for all of his negative actions and poor choices? Did I really want to be continually blamed for his anger and insecurities? Was this really what I wanted the rest of my life to look like? I made the changes for me. I needed peace. I needed space. I needed freedom.

Months after we had split, I was visiting my favorite human- my dad. He just said, “Dani, I can see now that he needed to make some serious changes to keep his family and from what I saw he never tried.” That was the truth, and the fact that someone else saw it eased my mind. My dad was a huge fan of my ex, but he never knew the whole story and still doesn’t. The last time my dad saw him, he spoke of how emotionless and cold he was toward me and the kids and they asked if that was the real him. Often it was, what we experienced behind closed doors did not match what anyone would have witnessed. He was always concerned about the façade and what our lives looked like and what people would think of him.

My ex has always been famous for talking the talk. He would learn what I needed to hear and he could sell it like his life depended on it, but he never implemented those changes. The talk was always enough for me to get my hopes up, every single time I would think that this was it, this would be the day he made the changes he talked about. He would stop hurting me. I would stop hurting, I could heal and we could move forward and grow old together. It never came. Now, he is continuing in the same pattern with our daughters. Just tells them enough to get their hopes up that dad understands and will work on our relationship, but talk is cheap and they are learning that. It is a hard, painful lesson to tell your daughters that unfortunately they need to create some boundaries until there is walk with the talk, otherwise they will fall into the same viscous cycle.

At the end of the day, I needed action. I needed a plan. He wouldn’t commit to that, that was all I needed to hear to strap on my boots and walk away and never look back.💕

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